more of a woman

I was listening to a song the other day. One of the lines was “I wish I was more of a man. Have you ever felt that way?” I had heard this song before, and sung the words absentmindedly in the car. But this time, it struck me: “Do I ever wish I was more of a woman? More womanly? Ha! Have I ever heard anyone else say that, in those particular words before? Is there another song out there that says that?” Pretty sure I haven’t, and there isn’t. Although there are books written on the topic of Biblical womanhood, and I have a great desire to be the kind of woman that scripture depicts, I hear the phrase “I wish I was more of a man” and feel like that is a more natural desire for a man to have than “I wish I was more of a woman” is to a woman. Does that make sense? I’m still fleshing through all of the things going through my head over it – knowing how poorly our society views clearly defined gender roles, that I am a child of Eve and struggling with the curse of sinfully desiring my husband’s position (Genesis 3:16) – aka. a desire to lead, rather than be led – the fact that our culture – Christian and Non-Christian – just doesn’t foster this craving to be “more of a woman”, not in the Biblical sense. *Aside – I do think that some churches, believers, authors, etc. have done a great job of making it clear that we are to be submissive to our husbands, that we should focus on the nurturing of our hearts more than our faces and hair, and that the Proverbs 31 woman was awesome!… among other Biblically feminine concepts. There are also many Godly women whom I admire, that have led me simply through the example of their lives.* But, I’m still just not completely settled on why it sounds so weird and awkward to want to be more of a woman. In spite of this, there is one thing I have settled on in all of these ponderings:

The bottom line is…

I wish I was more of a woman. The woman that God has called me to be in His Word.

My heart is beating just a little faster, thinking about what saying that really means for me. What you might think of this statement. Of me. How will TRULY believing this in an everyday sort of way, change my “everyday”? The way I think, the choices I make? And all the while, still thinking it sounds a little unusual, kinda awkward. But absolutely right at the same time. Let me repeat – since becoming a Christian, I have desired to be a Godly woman, but this specific way of thinking strikes my heart more acutely, intensely than before.

So, how does the Truth guide me to be more of a woman?

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.” Titus 2:3-5 [NASB]

Wow, that’s heavy. So different from the norm of this world. Reading this is actually what convicted me to write this post. I have read and studied it many times in the past, but haven’t read it recently until today. It means something very new to me in this new season of motherhood, almost 6 years of marriage, and nearing the end of twenty-somethingness. But unpacking all of that is for another day…

What are your thoughts? Questions? Be brave.